Letter to the Future Me

 I actually wrote this a couple nights ago, but didn't have a chance to post.
-----------------------
Right before I drifted off to sleep last night, I had an urge to write the "future me" a letter.  I started the letter in my head and eventually I zonked out...zzzzZZzzz.  I also oddly dreamt that I had to go to Fresh N' Easy supermarkets a whole lotta times for various people.  But that's something I need to decipher at a later time.  

So here goes the letter:

Dear 50-year old Rendel,
The year is 2011 and you recently turned 30 years old several months ago.  You've had an interesting past year, past decade even.  You are currently balancing the duties of a full-time job, full-time IT student, and yet manage to spend quality time with your 3 kids and Rick.  You even have ambitions to start up your own business and although it's slowly coming to fruition, you are still doing what it takes to make it happen.  With all these responsibilities, you have somewhat limited the amount of time you invest in yourself.  Gone are the days when you get biweekly manicures or monthly pedicures.  Or go on shopping trips every payday to buy new shoes or an outfit. You rather get much needed sleep or rest, than force yourself to get up at the crack of dawn for a morning run or workout session.  This has caused you to be a bit on the squishy side, but you realize that and try to go to Zumba class or you do Wii Fit.  But you're not too horribly depressed about the squishiness.  Your children find you quite huggable and you still captivate the attention of your husband (every night.. wink wink).

You've gone through a lot of ups and downs and learned several lessons the hard way.  You've had major fall-outs with some people, but were able to rebuild some of those connections and the foundations of those relationships are now a lot stronger.  Those relationships that didn't survive, serve as a reminder of the foundation you stand on.  What you stand for, what you believe in, what you expect from the company you keep.  You deserve respect, compassion, and the same love you pour onto others.  You strongly believe in the aloha spirit, the golden rule, wwjd (what would Jesus do, remember that?), and karma.  But by doing so, it has exposed your soul, allowing you and your emotions to be an easy target.  You hurt easily because you wear your heart on your sleeve.  You have just recently decided that you were gonna toughen up your skin.  Keep your attention focused on the items that you've deemed more important that anything else.  Your family and your self.

Despite the problems that you may have with your family and the stress you sometimes feel when "your life" gets a bit overwhelming. But after the whining kids quiet down, the house is finally clean and in order, and laying in bed with Rick talking about the most random things, you realize nothing else really matters.

Does this mean, you've turned into that "mom" that has no friends and does nothing fun?  It may feel like it, but I know that I have a core group of girls that I can depend on to be there for me.  And they have... over the years of friendship, despite the dry spells we may have of not being able to see each other or hang out for whatever reasons, such as state lines, buns in the oven, or their own ambitions and success, I know without a single drop of doubt, that they love me unconditionally.  And vice versa.  An opportunity to talk on the phone or hang out will transcend us right back to where we left off.  

So does that mean, I have shut myself off to creating new friendships or to nurturing the ones that I currently have in place?  No of course not.  I don't think that part about you will ever change.  As I mentioned earlier, about the aloha spirit and all that other jazz, you'll always continue to believe and act in that manner, I think you'll just prepare yourself to be tougher when the going gets tough.  Not be so naive to think that people you love and trust will never do anything to hurt you.  Continue to live and love and be happy.  You have so much to live for, so many people to love and that love you right back.  And why waste our time on this Earth being anything but happy.

So as I bring this letter to a close.  I hope 50 year old Rendel that you have stayed true to yourself.  I hope that the determination and the faith, that you have in yourself right now will stay with you for years to come.  It's the driving force that keeps you motivated.  It's the little chant of "I think I can.. I think I can" that has been playing over and over in your mind for most of your life.  It was playing in the background during the districts Spelling Bee in 4th grade, at the County Write-off competition in high school, or while delivering all three of your kids.


I hope that all the dreams and goals you set for yourself came true or you at least kept reaching for them.  I hope that all things positive about you rubbed off on the kids as they grew older and matured.  And that they too were able to learn from all the mistakes and faults that I may have.  I am sure that 20 years from now, Rick and I, have been able to maintain and further nurture the relationship that we have.  We may not be the typical lovey dovey couple but instead are true best friends who never gave up on each other. Hopefully, we've continued communicating, which is essentially the reason why we do so well together.  Although communication make sometimes take the form of yelling, screaming, crying, or even whispers, at least we let each other in and never shut the other out.


50 year old Rendel, I hope these words still hold true for you.  You don't think you are the BEST and BETTER than everyone else.. But instead you do your BEST for yourself and others, but are still humbled and believe you can always do BETTER!  


Cheers!  I look forward to meeting you.. In the meantime, enjoy the journey!


XOXO,
30 year old Rendel